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We know the fear that sweeps over you the minute a visiting friend or relative utters the phrase “Fisherman’s Wharf.” But follow our insider’s guide — written specifically with little ones in mind — and you’ll be as giddy as Laughing Sal, pushing aside the tourists to enjoy this forbidden slice of San Francisco.

The Highlights

First, manage your expectations: you’re not here for spiritual enlightenment — you’re here to have fun! Start at Magowans Infinite Mirror Maze (Pier 39) which is the best $5 you’ll spend in San Francisco, let alone the Wharf. Your pint-sized companion and you will slip on plastic gloves and feel your way through the psychedelic, black-lit labyrinth of mirrors that we can’t help but call a-maze-ing. Bonus: admission is valid all day and kids 5 and under are free.

Musée Mécanique (Pier 45 Shed A) is one of the city’s true treasures. It gathers fun — sometimes bizarre — antique coin-operated arcade games from Playland at the Beach and beyond. Fortune tellers, hand-crank racing games and a vintage toy “claw” game never get old. Just don’t lose your head over The French Execution game. Afterwards, buy a week-long pass and step aboard the collection of historic boats moored at the Hyde Street Pier (2905 Hyde St.). The stately Balcutha is the star of the show. Built in 1886 with three towering masts and numerous decks, it could easily pass as a pirate ship for junior seafarers.

Free and Easy

If you can quell your skepticism momentarily, you’ll see that kids make the best tourists. And some of the best delights come without an admission fee. Pausing to watch the colony of arf-arfing sea lions that frolic and wrestle at the scenic end of Pier 39 is a quick and easy way to eek a smile out of your little sightseer.

Down the street, sourdough celebrity Boudin Bakery flaunts a picture window facing Jefferson St. with white-capped bakers shaping crocodile, turtle and teddy bear loaves while interacting with viewers via microphone. Inside, you can pick up a mini animal roll for little more than $1.

Directly across the street, Rainforest Cafe (145 Jefferson St. #400) and Ripley’s Believe it or Not (175 Jefferson St.) each have a public area with animatronic spectacles — like life-sized elephants and talking Transformers — to amuse your little one (commit beyond that and you’re on your own). Sitting at the end of Jefferson St. is picturesque Aquatic Park with a green expanse that slopes towards a slender strip of beach with a backdrop of Hyde Street’s historic boats, Alcatraz Island and crazy, err, dedicated people swimming the bay.

Great Food. Yes, Really. 

Admittedly, one of the challenges of this locale is finding food that you’d happily consume. But it does exist — if you know where to look. Sammy’s Aloha (Pier 33) brings island vibes and Hawaiian grinds to the area with a take-out shop that serves excellent rice bowls, milky soft bao buns and a killer fruit-blend lemonade. At Tanguito (2850 Jones St.) — a stationary Argentinean food truck with sheltered seating — it only takes one of their rightfully-famous cheeseburgers to satiate a small family. Try their empanadas for a good take-away snack. Come dinner, you’ll be thankful you made the short walk to Fog City (1300 Battery St.) for savory deviled eggs and a whole wood-fired chicken cooked with bacon and potatoes.

Treat Yo’ Self

DeLise Dessert Café (327 Bay St.) makes delectable mini pastries and cupcakes petite enough to justify having two…or six. Don’t miss the homemade ice cream which is every bit as good as the bigger names in town. Martin Yan liked the Toasted Rice so much, he serves it as his M.Y. China restaurant. Meanwhile, the Candyland-pink interior of Kara’s Cupcakes (900 North Point St.) in Ghirardelli Square displays pristine cupcakes that look like they were plucked from your child’s sticker book.

Clock Out

Do yourself a favor: find a sitter and seek refuge at Royal Thai Spa (685 North Point St.). A stretch-intensive treatment at this tranquil haven is the perfect antidote to being a tourist and a parent.

Good to Know

The historic F-line trolleys are fun and deliver you curbside to the action. But if you must drive, here’s a good insider’s tip: Cost Plus World Market (2552 Taylor St.) validates two hours of free parking with a $10 purchase (also applies to Ross next door). Yes, this is the same Cost Plus that stocks a large selection of wine, beer and candy. You’re welcome.

– Garrick Ramirez (all photos taken by Garrick, too, unless otherwise noted)